masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
