My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
