I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
