Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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