my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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