one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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