I hate your face
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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