I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
