I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
