Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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