It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
