He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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