Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
