I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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