I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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