Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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