I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
