Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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