Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize