I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
