did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize