Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
