i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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