Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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