The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
