I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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