your parents love me but you hate me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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