apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
