Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
