just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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