Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
