I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
