We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
