i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
