Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
