Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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