mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
