I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
