I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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