i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
