I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
