I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We left the knife in your bed.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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