my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
