He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
