Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
