Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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