I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
