Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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