I hate all girls vehemently.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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