Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
