i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
