Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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