I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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