Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You ruined the universe
Randomize
