I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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